Branching Out

Ever get crazy anxiety when you're about to try something new? I do.

I get it so bad that I've become incredibly good at talking myself out of trying new things. My reasons always seem incredibly valid: I don't have the money, I really should spend more time with the dog, I should get a spray tan first, I need to catch up on laundry... the list goes on and on.

So you can imagine my stress levels this past Friday night as I prepared to try not one but TWO new things in the morning.

Prior to officially deciding to quit my job, I had promised myself that I would do a variety of awesome things that I'd always wanted to do. One of these was volunteering at an animal shelter (you can read more about my rescue dog adoption journey at www.mycrazydachshund.blogspot.com) and the other was Yoga.

Lucky for me, the volunteer orientation was on the same day as my first beginners yoga class. This led to a double whammy of anxiety.

I coped with this stress in the best way I know how: by drinking copious amounts of wine and obsessing over what I would wear. Real life.

The next morning, I woke up with a knot in my stomach but forced myself to get ready. I bid a nervous goodbye to my husband and dog and headed for the car. By the grace of all that is holy in this world, I found the Humane Society easily (I have a terrible sense of direction), parked my car, and mustered the courage to ask the first person I saw to point me in the direction of the orientation.

I was greeted by an incredibly friendly volunteer coordinator and thankfully, coffee. I grabbed a seat in the middle of the room and began awkwardly leafing through all of the paperwork I'd been handed.

Soon enough, the presentation started. And before I knew it, I had a huge smile on my face. Wow. I was in a room filled with people who are as passionate about animal rescue and welfare as I am! And this organization has so many beautiful success stories! And they have a barn! And I can volunteer to work in that barn!

By the end of the presentation, I was practically jumping out of my skin. I wanted to go hang out with the dogs or the chickens, or hell, even the lizards ASAP. I seriously can't wait to get started.

By now, I was feeling pretty stoked on life. I was doing what I said I would do and it was turning out to be even better than I had imagined!

Onto yoga!

After circling the poorly marked studio a couple of times (I had to be sure), I walked in.

I marched right up to the front desk, checked myself in, and confidently walked into class. Apparently there are only like 3 people left in this world who don't know how to do yoga, so the class was super tiny. 

There goes my plan to hide in the back.

I don't know what I was so scared of. The teacher was super nice and I LOVED Yoga! Oh. Em. Gee. It is so relaxing and it feels great.

I think I'm hooked.

After class, I immediately signed myself up for an unlimited monthly membership. 

I went to my second class last night and you know what? It wasn't scary at all. It was awesome! I can't wait to go to my next one tomorrow!

Moral of the story? I need to remember that even though it can be intimidating to try something new, it's kind of the best. It's totally worth pushing through the anxiety.

Now I'm off to a quick stand up paddle boarding session! Yep, another new thing I've started doing.

I like this side of me.

2015: My Year

Six. Whole. Months. 

I get an entire six months off. No responsibility, no job, no stress. 

Amazing, right???

But, I might get bored. A girl can only binge watch so many seasons of How I Met Your Mother. 

So, what will I do with all of this time? Well, I made a pretty awesome list:

2015 - MY Year

What will this year be about?

• Spending time with family and friends
• Going kayaking & stand up paddle boarding
• Getting better at cooking and eating in more often
• Yoga
• Volunteering at an animal shelter
• Journaling
• Writing
• Re-centering myself and my life
• Spending time with my husband and being more present in our day to day life
• Being more present all the time! Living in the moment
• Relaxing!
• Enjoying the houseboat
• Exploring Sausalito
• Getting back in shape
• Reading
• Meditating
• Catching up on sleep
• Enjoying coffee on the deck in the mornings
• Getting organized - all my stuff, my documents, etc.
• Focusing on ME and what I want out of my life
• What do I want to do with my life and my time?

This is probably not an exhaustive list but I think it's a pretty good start!

I was feeling kind of down on myself this morning - it was one of those days where that mean voice in my head won't leave me alone.

What's next? Why didn't you work out this weekend? You watched too many episodes of Parenthood yesterday! You're a terrible cook! Is that a new wrinkle?

You know how that goes...

Anyway, I decided to take a look at my list to get some inspiration and guess what? I realized that I've been doing a TON of this stuff already!

Let's take another look...

2015 - MY Year

What will this year be about?

• Spending time with family and friends
• Going kayaking & stand up paddle boarding
• Getting better at cooking and eating in more often
• Yoga
• Volunteering at an animal shelter
• Journaling
• Writing
• Re-centering myself and my life (Work in progress!)
• Spending time with Brian and being more present in our day to day life (Work in progress!)
• Being more present all the time! Living in the moment (I'm trying!)
• Relaxing
• Enjoying the houseboat (Daily! I mean, look at this view:
  <--hey, that's me!)
• Exploring Sausalito (I could work on this one..)
• Getting back in shape (This one too...)
• Reading(I'm SO into Sherlock Holmes right now it's not even funny)
• Meditating
• Catching up on sleep
• Enjoying coffee on the deck in the mornings
• Getting organized - all my stuff, my documents, etc.
• Focusing on ME and what I want out of my life
• What do I want to do with my life and my time? (I'll continue to ponder this one)

So, I guess I should go easier on myself. I'm doing just fine :)

This is my year.

And I think I'm going to nail it.

Pros & Cons

Doing something crazy like quitting your job without a plan isn't something that should be taken lightly. There are tons of things to think about! Which is why my Life Coach asked me to start keeping a journal about how I was feeling.

It started with a phone call.

I was in the middle of an awful day at work and felt like I was at the end of my rope. I called my Life Coach to declare that I wanted to quit - right. this. minute. 

Not so fast.

I was strongly encouraged to spend the weekend thinking about the pros and cons of quitting immediately. Could I wait? Did it make sense to stick it out a little longer?

Fine. 

Here's what I wrote:

I'm quitting my job. Like, this week. And I hope they tell me to leave right away because I really can't stand to be there anymore. It hasn't even been 6 months! But I know I need to leave.

I've thought about staying through January... collect a couple more paychecks and maybe a bonus. But, any resolve that I might muster up when I'm away from the office evaporates as soon as the founders walk through my door or I get an annoying e-mail, or someone comes to me with another complaint. So, I'm still quitting.

Naturally, I then decided to make a list of Reasons to Stay and Reasons to Quit:

Actual Lists :)

In case you don't have a magnifying glass handy, this is what I wrote:

Reasons to Stay/Wait Longer:
- Save up more money
- I feel bad leaving [my assistant]
- What will my dad think?
- I feel guilty dipping into savings
- Will [my husband] resent me?
- Giving notice will be SO awkward
- Won't get stock options (will anyone though?)
- No idea what I want instead (kind of exciting!)
- No more shopping :(
- No more facials, mani/pedis, etc.
- I'll have to go to SuperCuts
- What will my old co-workers think?
- Scared I won't follow through on starting my own thing

Reasons to Quit ASAP
- It just feels right
- I get a surge of excitement whenever I think about it
- I'm miserable
- People can tell that I'm miserable
- I want to enjoy the holidays with zero stress from work
- I'm ready to change my life now
- I want to be happier again
- I want to get the houseboat organized :)

Yes, my concerns about money and savings were incredibly valid. BUT those were going to be there regardless of when I left. The rest of them? Kind of silly. You can't stay in a job because it will be awkward to leave or because you feel guilty. That is bonkers.

As for my husband? Zero resentment and I KNEW that. That was my own hangup that I needed to work through.

When I look back on my reasons to quit, it's painfully clear that I was deeply unhappy and ready (although pretty terrified) to change my circumstances. 

And that's what I did. 

I couldn't find a valid reason to continue torturing myself.

I quit that week.

It was scary.

And awkward.

But I wouldn't change a thing.

But, What About Money?

So, obviously I didn't just come to an abrupt realization that I hated my job and then quit the next day. It definitely doesn't work like that.

It took several sessions with my Life Coach and lots of long talks with my (incredibly handsome and amazing) husband. And yes, a couple of conversations with my parents, too.

Straight up - I'm relying on savings. That's what it comes down to. But here's how we figured it out (spoiler alert: it wasn't easy)!

Rewind a couple of months...

My husband and I had just sold our house for a nice little profit - not crazy money by any means, but we were able to walk away with a decent chunk of change. At the time, we were both in stable jobs and were itching for a little adventure. So, we decided to rent a floating home in Sausalito for a few months. 

Super exciting, I know!

We paid our eight months of rent up-front, put 85% of our belongings in a storage unit, and moved our clothes, our dog, and our lives to a house that literally floats on the water. 

Where would we go at the end of our lease? No idea. But, that was part of the appeal!

So there we were - two responsible adults with stable, lucrative careers taking a little break from reality. We woke up every morning to stunning sunrises and beautiful water views, went kayaking every weekend, and most importantly, drank wine out on our deck in the evenings while watching the sun go down. 

<--That's me kayaking with our dog!

Heavenly.

Then, I had my huge epiphany and sh*t got real.

My husband had just accepted an amazing opportunity at an awesome software company in San Francisco. He took a pretty hefty pay cut, but at the time it was no big deal because my salary could totally cover the difference. 

Now, we were looking at potentially living off of just one salary and dipping rather deeply into our savings.

I had to be really honest about what I was willing to give up...

-Manicures & Pedicures
-Professional Hair Color
-Professional Hair Cuts (Hello SuperCuts!)
-Happy Hour
-Shopping at Whole Foods (That one hurt)
-Shopping in General
-Starbucks (Noooooooo!)
-Eating out
-A trip to Boston

Ugh. I know. #firstworldproblems

But, it is what it is. In the end, these were all SO easy to give up. SuperCuts does a pretty good job, guys!

In all seriousness, there were lots of questions to ponder. How much time off are we both comfortable with me taking? How much would my unemployment cost us each month? What happens if I don't find a new source of income? If we had to, could we really move in with my parents?

One night, during one of our many conversations about this decision, my husband said to me, "You know what? I want my wife back." 

And that was it. I had been so miserable that I wasn't myself anymore. We both agreed that the sacrifice was worth it. At the risk of sounding super cliche, you really can't put a price tag on happiness.

So, we talked about everything and decided that six months was comfortable, we would have enough savings to cover a little extra time off if I didn't find something new right away, and yes, we could live with my parents (although we'd try avoid that one at all costs, sorry Mom!). 

I'm now on a budget, I color my own hair, I make coffee at home every morning, and we eat in almost every night. I'm actually learning to cook!

What am I trying to get at here? A LOT of thought went into this decision - it wasn't done on a whim. I had to:

-Have open, honest conversations with myself, my husband, and my family
-Take an honest look at our finances
-Create a budget
-Cut the fat and make sacrifices (goodbye, blowouts!)
-Make a plan
-Make a back-up plan
-Make a back-up plan for the back-up plan

You get the idea :)

Believe me, I know that I am incredibly lucky. BUT, I worked really hard to get where I am. I worked my tail off to stay out of debt, save up to buy a house, beef up my savings account, etc. None of this just fell into my lap.

I've been gainfully unemployed for a month and a half now and you know what? I don't miss all of my fancy beauty treatments or new clothes (I live in yoga pants!). Sticking to a budget is easy - and it can be kind of fun, too! 

But damn, I do miss Whole Foods. 

I QUIT.

This all started about eight months ago. I'd spent four years working my way up the metaphorical ladder at a great company, I loved my boss, and I was finally making some decent money.

But I was bored. SO bored.

I knew I could be doing more. I KNEW I could be running my own department. It was time to start looking for a new job.

It's not like I was miserable, I was actually very content. So when the time came to leave, it would have to be for something GOOD. So I made a list:

- I have to be the boss

- I want to build my own department

- I want a say in the way the company is run

- I want to work directly with leadership

- I need to be making six figures (!)

- I need a budget and freedom to make decisions about how it will be spent

- I need a staff

I know, I know. Not exactly the most realistic expectations, but it doesn’t hurt to aim high, right?

You can imagine my surprise when I was called to interview for a job that checked off every last box on my list. And BONUS POINTS: I would get to travel to Germany to train for two weeks, with recurring trips throughout the year.

For someone who had never been to Europe, this was thrilling. I jumped at the chance to interview and was genuinely shocked when I got the job!

There were tears, doubts, celebrations, and fears but accepting this offer was a total no-brainer. And so I did.

Fast forward six months...

I knew I was doing a great job - I was kind of a rock star. The employees worshipped me (401k! More Vacation Time! Employee Appreciation Events!) and the leadership thought I was pretty awesome too (An organized HR Department! A full-fledged recruiting function! Forward thinking policies!).

Everything was going perfectly. I had exactly what I wanted and I was crushing it. But man, was I demotivated. I felt depressed and lethargic all the time and I dreaded going into work. I was sad on FRIDAYS because I knew the weekend would fly by and before I knew it, it would be Monday. Rough.

So, I did what any logical, modern career woman would do: I hired a Life Coach.

I spilled my guts in our first meeting, in hopes that she would help me to magically rediscover my drive and motivation. Instead, she asked me a question that changed my life:

"Do you think you might get fired?"

"No," I laughed. "They LOVE me. I would have to actively try to get fired."

"OK. Well, let's just pretend for a minute. What if you got fired tomorrow? How would you feel?"

Relieved.

I would feel an overwhelming sense of relief.

I was so, so unhappy and I hadn't admitted it to myself. I had never even considered the idea that the job itself was making me miserable. I honest to goodness thought there was something wrong with ME.

I had achieved exactly what I set out to do and it was utterly unfulfilling. That is really scary to admit.

I had to quit. Obviously it's not that simple, but in the interest of time, suffice it to say that I realized I needed to leave.

So I did.

I quit.

With no plan.

No new job lined up.

No idea what I would do next.

No idea what I even wanted to do next.

And it was invigorating.

So here I am. Happily unemployed. I know it sounds crazy and irresponsible, but is it, really?

A couple of weeks before I gave my notice, I was passing through the Financial District and I noticed a middle-aged woman in a business suit crossing the street. She looked like she had it all together. But she also looked sad and disconnected.

A voice in my head said "You can't become her. There is more to life than this."

And that voice was right. That is where I was headed. That was the path I was on.

To be fair, I had no idea what was actually going on in that woman's head. But, my interpretation of it shows where MY head was at.

I needed to make this change. I needed to leave.

I have to rediscover myself and find my purpose and figure out what it is that I WANT to do with my life.

Because there is more to life than slaving away at a job you hate for 40 years. There just is.

And deciding to take ownership of my fate, to discover what it is that I want out of life, and in turn, what I can contribute to the world.. well that's probably the most responsible thing I've ever done.